untilgradschool

Today I got out of bed later than usual knowing that I was scheduled to work from home. The weather was freezing and my room felt like it was in the 30’s. I like to sleep in cold air, but this was ridiculous. I wound up feeling quite groggy and congested. To top it off I had a night full of bad dreams about fighting with friends and being homeless.

When I got to my work computer something was a bit off. Nothing was working correctly. Finally I got the internet to work after much effort and connected through my remote VPN. Suddenly my Microsoft Outlook went on the fritz. Error signals appeared all over the place and the computer crashed shortly after. Upon restarting the machine, I discovered Outlook was no longer there. Gone.

Big problem. I cannot monitor support emails without email and after emailing some co-workers I realized I had no other choice but to head into work. I got to work a little after 11AM with very little traffic on the way in. My computer still isn’t working correctly, I’m in the office when I shouldn’t be and people in the office are acting strange.

To top it all off I’ve got deadlines!

5:30 cannot come fast enough, let me tell you.

I enjoy being the “go-to” person when it comes to last minute matters. That means I have a pretty good grasp on what needs to be done and how it can be done with a limited time frame. Whether at work or outside of work, when something needs to get done in a hurry and needs to be done right, I like to be part of the team that takes care of business.

This coming weekend I’ll be writing for the Merrimack Valley Ledger. I’m working with a friend in helping him illustrate sustainable economic developments in Massachusetts. I’ve decided to write about the new wind-mill project in Worcester, MA. Once published I will post the link and will be eager to get critiques from friends and colleagues.

I’ve lost track of how many interviews I’ve been on this year and I won’t ever try to count the number of resume’s I’ve sent out. The sheer numbers boggle my mind. What I have gained through the whole process is a better sense of what working environments I would feel comfortable. I scope out every place like an eager spy hoping to catch the favorable eye of one manager or director that would show me how to be part of the company, rather than simply an employee.

But, the ceremony of dressing up in what I consider t be uncomfortable clothes and acting on my absolute best and unnatural behavior gets old. Especially when you aren’t rewarded for your efforts. Keeping a positive mindset is very important because nobody wants to hired a jaded prospect. But maintaining high standards of what you want out of a job and what you’re capable is tough.

One must always be careful not sell themselves short due to desperation. Integrity is important.

Both! I’ve come to the conclusion that the aversion I’ve had towards technical training has become progressively less relevant in the choices I make. I find technology to be an integratable aspect of my life that always challenges me and encourages me to bring my best to the table. Technology is sort of a leveling field between those with natural creative talent and those with an aptitude for mathematics or precise measures. I’m really wanting nowadays to sharpen both sides of my brain’s functionality.

For instance, web design interests me quite a bit. As does data manipulation and analysis. Whatever technical skills I can learn in relation to marketing, PR and advertising will surely help in getting the best jobs that I’ll be passionate about for a long time.

All the fun happens ahead of the curve.

Let’s get this straight: I am not griping about people who are having mortgage troubles that may be subject to government assistance. That is great that people can look to the government for help when the “system” fails dramatically across the board.

As for me, I have crushing student debt. I read the national report saying that average student debt was somewhere in the $20,000 range? I said to myself, “who are they asking?” Seriously, anyone who went to a private school, full time and had no assistance from family or scholarship would have FAR MORE than $20,000 in student debt after receiving a bachelor’s degree.

Because of the bad state our economy is in, I am stuck with my high interest rate on my private loans. My federal loans (only 1/6 of what I owe) are at a reasonable rate, but the private loans are just killing me every month. My loan payments are WAY more than my rent ever has been.

Is this fair? All I wanted was an education. What I got was a sneaky Sallie Mae loan rep telling me I could borrow as much as I wanted and that the repayment terms were going to be an affordable amount when I graduated. I was 17 years old when I borrowed the majority of this money. Who lends a 17 year old tens of thousands of dollars?

I think student debt needs to come into the political consciousness sometime soon, no matter who wins the election.

Pulling into the driveway I hoped my mother would not already be awake for work. As the sun began to rise on this cold February morning I knew this would be the last time I’d see the home I grew up in for a long time. All the promises I had made to myself and others to chase my dreams were going to be made good upon starting that day. I had stopped in Worcester on my way out west to grab a few things and maybe a bite to eat. I shut the car off and walked up to the gate when I heard the growl of my grandfather’s English Mastiff, Clifford. The big oaf wasn’t much of a barker anymore in his old age, but I definitely didn’t want to wake everybody up. He sauntered up to the gate with recognizing eyes and wagged his tail. I thought better than to go in and risk being heard, so I whispered “bye pup” and gave him a pat through the fence.

Turning to walk away towards my car a surge of guilt came over me for leaving without saying goodbye. I was in fact afraid of what my mother would say and how betrayed my grandfather would feel. I had spent so much time and energy trying to develop and repair these relationships with friends and family and here I was just leaving the table for a job prospect I had kept secret for months.

The economy is in absolute shambles right now. If I had much invested, I’d probably need sedatives and counseling. But, instead I’ve got all my money invested in my education and career search. I’ve put myself out there quite a bit for the types of jobs that I really want in the industries that I am passionate about and have gotten some interviews at some very good companies. As of yet, I haven’t landed that “ideal” job where I can work within the realm of sustainability and writing. But I’ve done everything in my power to keep putting myself out there no matter what and keep learning about what I want to do so I can exude knowledge and drive. Here’s to trying harder every time after you’re knocked back a step!

When you’re battling demons, it seems to be the true punishment comes at night and in the morning. The “down” time when you’d be filling yourself with sometime to account for the silence. For me, I go to bed just short of broken, usually too tired to wish or worry anymore. The mornings bring a distinct sort of weariness usually resulting from a lack of sleep and accumulated toll of stress and angst. The sound of the alarm clock is the tyranny of my job, my family and everyone else in my life who insists I get out of bed every day.

Today I got up without all of the aforementioned drama. I woke up feeling refreshed and not tired. I woke up because I had gone to bed knowing I did what I wanted to do that day.

I really needed this today.

I’ve never been one for wasting my time doing work. If I do something, I need there to always be an end to my means. Practice is necessary, but careless repetition is angering to me. I know I’m getting paid to work no matter if I pull data reports or sweep a floor, but the time spent and experience had is exponentially more important the longer I stay within a position. Monotonous, small tasks always need to be done, but the bigger picture and the concept of moving forward must always be kept up front. I love to work hard and I love to do good work as long as my work does not wind up somewhere in the ether.

For me, my passionate work started off as something I did when I wasn’t studying in college, then it became something I did before and after the odd jobs I held after graduation. With a serious job, I work serious hours now. Working 50 to sometimes 60 hours a week, I refuse to let my life’s work be neglected due to a “day job.” So, my free time becomes something I use more efficiently. But because I put so much energy and so many resources into this thing that many would call a “hobby” I have needed to monetize it to an extent. So, here I am working a full time job and scraping and scratching for every minute possible where my free time can become not so free anymore.

The question lies, when you’re busy and using your skills to their fullest potential, is there much else in life besides work if you’re a non-married young professional?

I propose I take a new look at what I’m doing and strike a balance. It will probably help me in my work life and personal life in the long run.